My mother used to make kites for me.
We flew those colorful kites together on our Terries.
Two years later she died.
I kept those kites close to my heart.
I could see her face in those flying kites.
See her standing near the ledge with thread in her hand.
Literally.
I jumped.
That was an emotional piece heavealie.
ReplyDeleteI could feel the pain, the hurt and the longing to be a part of the good old days in your words.
It's rightly said, memories of the good times & happy days always bring tears to our eyes.
Take care :)
this was neat, short and sweet. the last line is really great, its my favorite! great job!
ReplyDelete@chatterbox:what pain,memories can do to you,change you!!when you lose someone close to you,you don't remain the same human being you used to be!!thx for replying!!keep reading and you too tc!!cheers!!
ReplyDelete@katie:ohh yeah when i wrote this piece i thought that yeah the last two words played a very important role,gave it that depth,that final impact!!glad that you liked it!!so no new posts??any new stories??keep writing and keep reading!!
ReplyDeleteLoveeeeeeellyy, baby! Bohot sahi. Maybe you are not acquainted with this hindi slang but it so fits in here 'Mahol'!
ReplyDelete@daone:haha yeah i got the meaning although i still dont believe that the real meaning of that word is wat you described but wat the hell thx for reading and glad that you liked it!!
ReplyDeleteNice.This is a 55-fiction right?
ReplyDeleteP.S:I wanna know what 'Mahol' means..pweasee tell me na?I won't tell anyone...xD might as well add to my hindi slang vocabulary.
@samadrita:hehe yup this is a 55-fiction!!ohh forgot to add my tag adding now!!!i don't have even the faintest of idea what mahol means.usually it means environment but in nagpuri language its a slang in a good way!!
ReplyDeletemahol=mast!!lolz
that's omkar for you!!keep reading!!
This is my favorite of your three 55 fiction stories. The emotions are so very... pointillized. If that makes sense. Precise, raw, textured, in a beautiful and poignant way. My suggestion would be to vary sentence length/structure - not by adding more, since you can't go over 55 words, but by (for instance) replacing the period at the end of the 5th line with a comma, thus creating a compound sentence instead of another short, choppy statement. It will add so much variety and interest. I'm also not sure how I feel about the word literally - it seems too commonplace and casual for such a precise piece of writing.
ReplyDeleteHope this is helpful! Thanks for visiting my blog. If you want to see my explanation of "Existentialover," I'm posting that next so check the comments section when you get a chance!
@amandasaurus:hey thx for replying and for the piece of advice.yeah the other two 55 fictions were more of a beginner types for me.i was just experimenting with genre.i will try to use these points in the future."literally"-i can only say that sometimes there just shortage of words.that single word just not clicking at that moment.yup checked your explanation.keep reading!!
ReplyDelete